Monday, October 25, 2010

Mixed Emotions

It's over.

The weeks of preparation and anticipation. The whirwind of shopping and gown fittings. The anxiety and the excitement. It's all behind us now. a blur of music and dancing and five course meals. Just a fleeting moment in time. Gone too fast.

I watch my son and his new wife. They are so perfect for each other. So....complete.

I am so incredibly happy.

And I cry.

I cry because this is what I've prayed for and hoped for.
I cry because this is the fulfillment of my dreams.
I cry because I know how difficult it can be to find one's soulmate, and I'm so thankful that he found his.
I cry because I know how right they are for each other, and I am grateful for that certainty.
I cry because my heart is full.

And I cry because there's a hole in my heart.

My oldest has just left home, and a big chunk of my heart is severed.

I miss him.

My children are growing older. As am I.

I miss tripping over the Lego pieces.
I miss the crayon marks on the walls.
I miss the sand in their shoes.
I miss the patter of little feet.
I miss rocking them to sleep.
I miss the teething and the sleepless nights.

Even the sleepless nights.

I'm at a different stage now, and I'm not sure I'm ready to be here.

I cry because time passes too quickly. Because I can't hold on to the moments.

My big boy is now a married man - ready to begin a new life. Ready to build a home. Ready to face life's challenges.

And I worry.

I have traveled down many of life's paths. I've stared challenges in the face. Some days were wonderful. Some days weren't easy. But I cannot imagine watching my child confront the challenges that life throws at him. I can't imagine how I would be able to bear watching him face a devastating difficulty.

I cry for his future happiness.

I am so unbelievably happy. And I cry.

I cry because I am a mother.

Because of the joys and the sorrows, the laughter and the tears, the fears and the worries, the hopes and dreams, the sweet....and the bittersweet.

There's nothing like being a mother.


I am so blessed.


  1. I totally understand. It's the beginning of a new era for you. It's a change and change is often scary.
    I imagine you've gone through this before, when you made your first Bar Mitzva, when you went to your first daughter's 8th grade graduation, then high school. And I think you grow into the new skin, you get used to it and the new "era" becomes daily life; you grow comfortable. B'h for these happy milestones that are part and parcel of growing up.

    Just keep on davening that he'll deal with the regular ups and downs of life and nothing too drastic or painful. That, my friend, is not a given...

  2. Wow and wow. Mazel tov, and he should have good mazel all his life. I'm so glad it all worked out this way,a nd thank you for bringing us along for part of the journey from your POV.

    A question: The lego pieces, for real? Those things hurt in bare feet.

  3. Mazel Tov!!

    Glad you are crying, crying tears of happiness. So happy for you and you family. And with a mother like you, the old cliche of not losing a son, but gaining a daughter must be true, as which girl wouldn't cherish you as a new mother, a "cherry on top" of nabbing a great hubby!

    Can't wait to read about further tears of happiness down the road... yes... tears of a BUBBY!


  4. isn't it interesting how you can cry tears of joy, tears of sadness, tears of laughter and tears of grief all at the same time? whenever that happens to me, i get overwhelmed at the depth of my heart...

  5. This is one of those times that I can honestly say that I know exactly how you feel.
    Mazel Tov.
    I am so excited for all the things that I know are just around the corner for you.
    More joys, more happy tears, more milestones iy"H....
    I can't wait to "relate" with you again and again.
    As we like to say in our family, "FEEL THE MOMENTS!" (they are gone too fast....)

  6. What a beautiful post.

    That's why children don't always tell their parents what they are going through, so they shouldn't have to worry about the pain they're in. Maybe he will tell you after it's over and things are okay again and he might not tell you all the tough things he's gone through. He's an adult and is mature so he can face whatever challenges Hashem gives him. It's hard to watch him because you, as the parent always wanted to cradle him, hold him and protect him. Since those days are over and he is on his own, the only thing I feel you can do is daven and hope. Daven for him to have the strength to go through the tests of life and hope for him to have a happy, fulfilling future.

    And Mazel tov, I'm sure it was a beautiful simcha!!

    I'll say it once more, HE IS SO LUCKY TO HAVE A MOTHER LIKE YOU who will never let go and always cares and loves him to no end!!

  7. Mazel Tov....

    I can only imagine that mix of emotions...
    You capture it so eloquently

  8. SIR...

    Those other milestones weren't anything like this. Those were all big deals...but there weren't all these mixed emotions.

    I know it's not a given. That's what's so scary. Funny how, until now, I never thought about what MY parents were feeling when life was tough for me.

    Staying Afloat...

    For real. But, of course, nostalgia tends to magnify the pleasure and minimize the pain.


    Thank you!

    I think I'm actually ready for that!


    It's beautiful, really...all those emotions. Even the sadness and grief.


    Feel the moments... I like that. And I'm trying!


    Thank you! I knew you wouldn't disappoint me. I can always count on you for the ego boost. :)


    Thank you.
    You can't even imagine it...until you go through it yourself. It'll happen before you know it.

  9. MW-Anytime! I would only say it if I felt it was true...and it is!!

  10. Mazal tov!

    And--I just tripped over a piece of leggo. I'll try to be more appreciative next time. :)

  11. wow that was beautiful! it makes my stage in life easier to deal with, i know that i am going to miss it. my oldest is a big boy who goes to school. i have time.

  12. I wish everyone had a mother like you.

    (BTW, the word verification right now is (no kidding!) IMAROCKL - you must really rock as an Ima!)

  13. Thank you, Devorah. I appreciate that.


    I know you already are. I read your blog.

    jewpublic club...

    You don't have as much time as you think. You blink, and it's here.

    Soul Comfort...

    Thank you.

    I wish everyone had that opportunity.