Monday, October 25, 2010

Mixed Emotions

It's over.

The weeks of preparation and anticipation. The whirwind of shopping and gown fittings. The anxiety and the excitement. It's all behind us now. a blur of music and dancing and five course meals. Just a fleeting moment in time. Gone too fast.

I watch my son and his new wife. They are so perfect for each other. So....complete.

I am so incredibly happy.

And I cry.

I cry because this is what I've prayed for and hoped for.
I cry because this is the fulfillment of my dreams.
I cry because I know how difficult it can be to find one's soulmate, and I'm so thankful that he found his.
I cry because I know how right they are for each other, and I am grateful for that certainty.
I cry because my heart is full.

And I cry because there's a hole in my heart.

My oldest has just left home, and a big chunk of my heart is severed.

I miss him.

My children are growing older. As am I.

I miss tripping over the Lego pieces.
I miss the crayon marks on the walls.
I miss the sand in their shoes.
I miss the patter of little feet.
I miss rocking them to sleep.
I miss the teething and the sleepless nights.

Even the sleepless nights.

I'm at a different stage now, and I'm not sure I'm ready to be here.

I cry because time passes too quickly. Because I can't hold on to the moments.

My big boy is now a married man - ready to begin a new life. Ready to build a home. Ready to face life's challenges.

And I worry.

I have traveled down many of life's paths. I've stared challenges in the face. Some days were wonderful. Some days weren't easy. But I cannot imagine watching my child confront the challenges that life throws at him. I can't imagine how I would be able to bear watching him face a devastating difficulty.

I cry for his future happiness.

I am so unbelievably happy. And I cry.

I cry because I am a mother.

Because of the joys and the sorrows, the laughter and the tears, the fears and the worries, the hopes and dreams, the sweet....and the bittersweet.

There's nothing like being a mother.


I am so blessed.