Decisions

My little boy is on the phone. He sounds upset. Something's wrong.

"I lost my yarmulka," he said, his voice breaking. "And today is picture day."

My heart sinks. I'm busy at work. It's the end of the week, and there are so many things I need to finish before I leave today. And I walked to work today.

I stall.

"Well...what are you wearing now?" I ask.

"Nothing. My hand."

"I'm sure they have something in the office," I suggest hopefully.

"They do, but it's so big it almost covers my eyes." He's near tears.

Argh.

Twenty minutes to his yeshiva if I walk fast. Twenty minutes back. Plus some time to stop at a store and get a new yarmulka.

"Can you do something?" He asks plaintively.

Of course I can.

It's so easy when they're nine years old.

But then they grow up. And they enter the world of shidduchim.

The amount of parental involvement in a shidduch differs among the different communities.

In the chassidic community, the parents choose the child's spouse. The child has veto power, but that is rarely exercised. The children trust that their parents know what is best for them, and have the maturity and life experience necessary to make this decision.

In the yeshivish community, parents are involved. They look for the best mate, ask a lot of questions, and gather information. But the decisions are left to the children. Boys and girls go out and see if they are compatible. If a shidduch doesn't work out, the parents go to the next in line. Dating a number of potential mates is the norm.

I am somewhere between the chassidic community and the yeshivish community. My children will 'date' and spend time with a potential to see if they are compatible. The number of dates will be more than in the chassidic community, but a lot less than the yeshivish. The decision is not completely up to the parents. But by the time boy meets girl, most of the work, as far as background, family, personality, goals, etc., is done. It's a match on paper, and now it's up to them to decide.

Sounds simple enough.

But sometimes things don't follow the script. Sometimes, you find what seems to be a perfect match, they go out, and then some new information comes to light.

In the chassidic community, the parents would make a decision. They would seriously consider the issue, maybe take their child's feelings into account to some extent, but at the end, the decision is theirs.

In the yeshivish community, once they've gone out several times, the parents will have input, but the ultimate decision would most likely be the child's.

Where I am, things are not as well defined.

We have a decision to make. My son's opinion will tremendously affect the final decision, but the burden rests on us, his parents. It is the most agonizing, gut wrenching decision I've ever had to make.

What to do? What to do?

It was so much easier when he was nine...